I’m not who I once was

So, here I am again.  I know it’s been such a long time since I’ve written, and to be honest I forgot my password for a while (I also forgot I even had a blog..oops) I am back though, and for such a good reason.  I am here to say that I have changed.  I am joyful,  its not circumstantial joy either its the kind of joy that comes only from trusting and knowing my God.   I come across a serious character flaw in myself that I’ve begun to grasp and use to make myself a better person.  I don’t remember taking life seriously much as a child, dare-deviling my way across the guardrails on the bridges near by, climbing up the trees to where the limbs were so thin they flexed under my featherweight stature…okay, I haven’t given those things up just yet…give me ’til I’m 30 at least;)  But now that I’ve experienced the failure of a marriage, the unprepared shift into single-parenthood and studying at all hours of the night, I have come to the conclusion that I need to be wise, cautious in the decisions I make.   I am not a “trooper” or a “superwoman,” I do not refer to myself as a success.  Yet.  I am on my way, because I have a God who strengthens me more than I could ever imagine, He gives me rest when my burden is overwhelming, and He brings joy amidst the trials of this life.  I have found meaning when it seemed my life had unraveled at every seam.  I have been put back together, and amazingly I am richly renewed.  I have been planted near the river where my limbs will bear the fruit of righteousness and seeds are planted and will grow full in His time.  I am not worried about a future that I cannot control, I’d rather do His will than my own.

I am joyful because He has given me more than I deserve, and yet….AND YET, as long as I seek first His kingdom He’ll continue to grant me the desires of my heart.  My desire is to love Him, and praise Him more everyday.

This is just the beginning…

It’s not the way I always planned it

Life.  It just really hasn’t turned out to be what I expected at all.  I’ve always been the type of girl to fall  hard and fast for someone, but always afraid to really let that person see me, the real me, the one only few are able to get to.  So when I met Mike things seemed different at first, the instant falling occurred, the instant obsession turned into the instant engagement and the instant marriage, and then of course what comes next but a baby in a baby carriage right?  My life really was like that childish rhyme…Mike and Melissa sitting in a tree(or car) K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage then comes a baby in baby carriage.  Our story happened quick, just out of the gate we were engaged at about 6 weeks.  Married by 6 months, pregnant by 9.  Well, there is wisdom that I missed along the way.  The questioning mother, the nervous father, I should have listened.  Despite my naivety I do have two wonderful little boys to celebrate my marriage for.  Beyond that this was really not a good idea at all.  Don’t get me wrong, Mike is a fantastic man, and an incredible father, just not the man for me.  I’ve been told I’m being selfish making a choice that will ultimately tear apart a family.  But, you’ve got to understand I’m unhappy, he’s unhappy, the kids can see we’re unhappy.  I’m not just giving up, we’ve tried to work it out, we’ve gone to counselors, talked to friends.  I don’t make him happy anymore, and he doesn’t float my hypothetical sailboat.  I want the love every girl dreams of, but for now I am concentrating on loving my two wonderful little boys, and my dream to have a career that I can be proud of.  There is nothing more sad than saying goodbye.  But sometimes it’s for the betterment of everyone involved.  I want my boys to look at me and say they knew I was happy and that they are proud of me.  I want that for their father too.  All in all, I’d say this is a hard-to-swallow blog entry.  But sometimes life just isn’t what you thought it would be.

Writing

I love to write.  Reading is a close runner-up.   Sometimes I get time to work on my novel, and my self-help book.  Being on Grand Jury has been a pretty crazy experience.  I’ve met new people and fortunately we get a lot of time to ourselves.  I have worked on my writing a few of those times.  I wrote the very rough draft of Josiah’s story, and then made an outline for another chapter of my novel.  I am very excited to work on my novel, its been in the works for a long time.  I started out writing with a fountain pen to really get the “feel” of 19th century writing.  Maybe I will be able to find a huge feather this summer to use the traditional way.  I bet I could find someplace that sells ink in tubs.  I love Jane Austen.   Right now I am working on Mansfield Park, it started off pretty dull and very confusing with all the names, but I am now to the point where it is a definite “page-turner.”  I want that for my story.  So long for now, I will write again soon.

Sincerely,

Me

The Garbage man

Aiden has decided he is the garbage man and must pick up all “garbage” and put it on his garbage truck which is just his little tikes 3 wheeler.  Josiah is following him around taking the garbage as Aiden yells “that’s garbage Joe!!!”   He also made a garage out of a fallen down chair, and now he is making a sidewalk.   I think Mighty Machines is an inspiration to him:o)  I love him!! Josiah’s new thing  is to walk past me and slowly back up until he is sitting on my lap, it is sooo cute.  They both like to “play” with my hair a lot.  Let’s just say it’s common for crumbs, and apple skin to be on my head!  But I wouldn’t trade these boys for anything.  Even when my hair get pulled out, and my body aches.  They make me smile and laugh and I know that we truly love each other and will forever.  They are the flavor in my life!!